Michael Kiske Story
HELLOWEEN discuss stuff.
KAI HANSEN
I find it too difficult to play guitar and sing at the same time.
MARKUS GROSSKOPF
Let’s get another singer then. Let’s call that kid we know from ILL PROPHECY.
He calls MICHAEL KISKE and asks him to join.
MICHAEL KISKE
I don’t want to, your music is too heavy and fast, it hurts my ears.
KAI HANSEN then calls RALPH SCHEEPERS.
RALPH SCHEEPERS
Sorry, I believe TYRAN PACE is going to be huge.
HELLOWEEN decide to call MICHAEL KISKE. Again.
MICHAEL WEIKATH
If you join us, we’ll write lighter stuff and slow down a little, much to KAI HANSEN’s dismay.
MICHAEL KISKE.
OK then, but I want to write songs too. How do you say this music is called? Heavy Rock?
MICHAEL KISKE joins HELLOWEEN and they release the KEEPER OF THE SEVEN KEYS albums. They become HUGE.
KAI HANSEN.
Management sucks, touring sucks, and I don’t like the direction the band wants to take. I want out.
He leaves.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I am the leader now, bow down to me or I’ll leave the band! Let’s write a new album, it’ll be called PINK BUBBLES GO APE and be lighter than the KEEPERS. I also demand to be the main guy or I’ll leave the band!
HELLOWEEN.
Ok, but please don’t leave us.
MICHAEL WEIKATH (Thinking)
Damn this kid, but we need him now that KAI HANSEN left.
HELLOWEEN releases PINK BUBBLES GO APE. Some fans go WTF.
MICHAEL KISKE.
For the next album, I want the music to be even lighter, and with ORCHESTRA parts too. I also want acoustic guitars, lots and lots of them. And I want us to be the best ROCK POP band ever!
HELLOWEEN.
Not sure about that, you know? We are a metal band and…
MICHAEL KISKE (Interrupting).
I’ll leave you!
HELLOWEEN.
OK, maybe after all it’s not such a bad idea, we can experiment a little and then go back to metal.
HELLOWEEN releases CHAMELEON. It’s utterly DESPISED by most fans.
MICHAEL KISKE
What? What happened? This can’t be happening, we are HELLOWEEN! We are UNIQUE and FUNNY and…
METAL FANS
And ROCK POP.
MICHAEL KISKE
So what? It’s all about ARTISTIC EXPRESSION and TRUE ART. You don’t understand because you are morons. Only those who LIKE CHAMELEON are NOT.
MICHAEL WEIKATH (Thinking).
Ever since KAI HANSEN left I’ve wanted to be the leader, but this MICHAEL KISKE is in the way, now it’s the time to get rid of him.
He kicks him out of HELLOWEEN.
MICHAEL KISKE goes ballistic, bitter and angry at all things metal. He snaps. Permanently. He also swears REVENGE. Christian Revenge and Unforgiveness (TM).
KAI HANSEN calls MICHAEL KISKE.
Would you like to do some guest vocals for the upcoming GAMMA RAY album?
MICHAEL KISKE.
Yes. I need money. I’ve been a pauper since I LEFT HELLOWEEN by MY OWN WILL last year. Let’s do it.
LAND OF THE FREE is released. Kiske fanboys go nuts over “Time to Break Free”.
KISKE FANBOYS
OMG! OMG! MICHAEL KISKE is back into METAL!!1 We love him forevers!
MICHAEL KISKE.
NO! NO! I just did that because.. as a FAVOR for a friend. I HATE METAL! It’s EVIL and stuff. I’ll write a book about how the world is so corrupt and bad and how it doesn’t follow MY ideas of what is TRUE ART.
A couple of years go by.
MICHAEL KISKE
I’m out of money again. I haven’t finished my book yet, so I can’t be rich now. But once I’ll publish it everyone will see me as the true and only new MESSIAH. In the meantime, I’ll record an album. Problem is only METAL dorks know who I am.
I know, I’ll hardrockify it! Haha, I am so GENIUS. That way no one can say I’m back into METAL.
MICHAEL KISKE requests aid from two very UNMETAL persons. KAI HANSEN and ADRIAN SMITH.
INSTANT CLARITY is released. It’s accepted as an “OK” hard rock / metal album.
MICHAEL KISKE is angry at the METAL tag after the slash. He also publishes a BOOK. NOBODY but KISKE FANBOYS ever read it.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I announce I’m leaving the hard rock / metal scene FOREVER. My next album will be POP!
READINESS TO SACRIFICE is released. The album BLOWS and BOMBS.
MICHAEL KISKE.
No one understands what TRUE ART is anymore. METAL is corrupt and dumb and dead and noisy. TRUE ART can’t be expressed through METAL. It can only be expressed through what *I* say.
TOBIAS SAMMET calls MICHAEL KISKE.
You are my idol and my role model. I have an altar with your image. Would you like to sing in a metal opera I’m working on?
MICHAEL KISKE.
Yes. But I don’t want my name to appear in the credits.
TOBIAS SAMMET.
I don’t get it.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I’m out of metal.
TOBIAS SAMMET.
I see, but well, this is a METAL opera and…
MICHAEL KISKE (Interrupting)
Shut up. I need money. I’ll think of a clever pseudonym. I’ll get back to you when I’m ready.
After much thought, MICHAEL KISKE comes up with the pseudonym of ERNIE.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I am such a GENIUS. No one will ever know ERNIE is me!
AVANTASIA is released. Everyone talks about MICHAEL KISKE’s participation in the album.
METAL FANS.
I thought the guy was out of metal.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I AM! You morons! Can’t you see that’s not me? That’s ERNIE.
METAL FANS.
Uh, ok…
MICHAEL KISKE.
Just to be sure, I announce my departure from the hard rock / metal scene. Forever. Again.
TIMO TOLKKI.
I am releasing a superb solo album. I want you to sing in a song. I respect your wishes of unmetalness. So I’ll make your song a sappy ballad.
MICHAEL KISKE accepts. HYMN TO LIFE is released. No one but STRATOVARIUS fans care.
ROLAND GRAPOW and ULI KUSCH
We were kicked out of HELLOWEEN. We want you to be the singer for our band.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I’m out of metal.
ROLAND GRAPOW and ULI KUSCH.
We understand, but could you make a guest appearance? We’ll pay you.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I’m in.
MASTERPLAN’s debut album is released. It’s widely accepted.
METAL FANS
Wait a second. Isn’t that… MICHAEL KISKE? I thought he was out of metal
MICHAEL KISKE
I announce my departure from the hard rock / metal scene. Forever. Again. This time I mean it. That’s why I’ll record a new album with hard rock elements in it. I’ll think of a catchy and clever name for it.
SUPARED is released. Only KISKE FANBOYS like it. The album BOMBS.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I know what’s happening. I’m an alien in this world. My music is so advanced and genuine that just a few enlightened souls comprehend it. Therefore I know humanity will never understand TRUE ART and TRUE MUSIC, which is the one only *I* do.
HARD ROCK / METAL FANS.
Isn’t that SUPARED album kinda hard rockish? I thought MICHAEL KISKE was out of that…
SUPARED continues to receive negative or bland reviews. MICHAEL KISKE feels himself threatened so much he releases a NEW statement that NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE.
MICHAEL KISKE.
I announce my departure from the hard rock / metal scene. Forever. Again. I don’t fit.
THE END.
Just kidding!!
A couple of years go by.
SERAFINO PERUGINO
Michael, we would like you to sing in a project, but fear not! This is not Metal nor is even heavy at all, it’s just ehhh… melodic rock! Yeah, it invloves some dudes from VANDEN PLAS, PINK CREAM 69 and whatsitsname…? Well, anyway, we’ll pay you well.
MICHAEL KISKE
Kickass!
PLACE VENDOME is released. It is heavier than Michi expected though.
MICHAEL KISKE
Nooo! Those guitars sound very distorted and heavy! I hate it!! Now I need to wash my soul and ears!
Sometime later MICHAEL KISKE releases a new solo album called “KISKE”. No one but Kiske fanboys care.
MICHAEL KISKE
Damn it, I’m running out of my green friend again. I need to think of something. *Brainstorms furiously*
SERAFINO PERUGINO
Michael, I have this super duper idea, it will give us a quick buck and the work needed is minimal.
MICHAEL KISKE
*Stroking his chin* Hmmm, continue.
SERAFINO PERUGINO
Listen, all you have to do is re-record your old HELLOWEEN songs and…
Perugino is interrupted by a hellish shriek emitted by Kiske. Michi’s eyes grow big, he starts shaking while clenching his teeth, his eyes resemble those of a maniac who is about to go on a murderous rampage.
SERAFINO PERUGINO (Desperately)
Calm down! Calm down! This would be done in a completely ACOUSTIC manner!
Michael slowly calms down.
SERAFINO PERUGINO
Well, what do you think?
MICHAEL KISKE
It’s a great idea!
METAL FANS (Rolling eyes)
Now the guy is trying to make a buck out of past glories. Truly pathetic. Maybe he should team up with PAUL DI’ANNO.
MICHAEL KISKE (Angrily)
What!? Those are MY songs! None of you can stop me from re-recording them in any way I want! All you are is a bunch of dogmatic, negative enemies of ART!! I am FED UP with your DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR! Metal ideologies are STUPID AND NEGATIVE AND RESTRICTING, I AM BRAVE ENOUGH TO DENOUNCE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE METAL WORLD AND THAT’S WHY YOU HATE ME!
METAL FANS (Bewildered)
What the…? Dude, you’ve been an outsider for a long, long time. It’s kinda funny how you pretend to know everything about metal and…
MICHAEL KISKE (Interrupting. Quite Enraged.)
SHUT UP! YOU JUST CAN’T HANDLE ME! THAT’S WHY YOU HATE ME! I AM A MARTYR!! METAL TRIES TO TELL ME WHAT TO THINK AND PLAY AND IF I DARE TO TRY TO BE FREE AND PLAY RAP OR POP OR REGGAE YOU WILL CRITICIZE ME!
METAL FANS
Only if you release it under the name of a METAL band.
MICHAEL KISKE (Interrupting. Quite Enraged.)
SILENCE! METAL PROCLAIMS FREEDOM BUT REALLY BETRAYS FREEDOM AND SO TO BE TRULY FREE YOU HAVE TO “BETRAY” METAL!
The METAL FANS look at each other with an incredulous look, then point at Michael and laugh hysterically
METAL FANS
Man, this guy is truly a nutjob and completely oblivious to what Metal is about. Let’s go.
They leave.
MICHAEL KISKE (Still pissed off.)
HEY! DON’T YUO DARE TO IGNORE ME, BITCHES! COME BACK! COME BACK! YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN!!!
We know.
THE END.
ROFLMAO. Right on the money, bro. Kiske will forever be haunted by his vocal contribution to the power metal genre.
Excellent story *thumb up*
Ernie actually got me rofl!
It’s all about the money…
Hehehe it made laugh a lot…. really great
And you could update the story by adding the new guest performance for Avantasia, as well as his guest appereance for the Edguy song “Judas At the Opera” (amazing song btw) in 2006. Although that song sounds like it was recorded in the original Avantasia sessions, or is just me?
Anyway excellent story!
It’s just jokes. Dont take it too serious. This story posted by many people before me. I’ll add some other stories after Avantasia-era.
I Think that Michael Kiske has an Amazing Voice!!! I also Admire Him for going Solo! I have seen Helloween Live in the U.K.!!! where Michael Kiske then was the Lead singer!!! WOW!!!! He is an Amazing Guy!! I don’t Judge him at All! for leaving Helloween and starting His own Solo! Career! I wish I had a Voice! like His!! I wish Him all the Luck in the Future!!!
I personally! think that Michael Kiske has a Much Better! Voice!!! than Andy Deris the current singer of Helloween!!
Kiske is like 1 millions times better singer than Deris
Lol! great story! funny thing is, he STILL participates in metal projects, heck in 2007, that’s right, 2007, an album was released by a band called Tribuzy in which Michael Kiske did guest vocals for a song called “Absolution”, the song is metal, but compared to the rest of the album, it’s a little obvious the lyrics were written with limitations because of Michaels beliefs. A live dvd was recently released for the album and all guest vocalists showed up for the songs they were on, but Michael Kiske’s part was instead sung by Ralf Scheepers of Primal Fear, I’m not jumping to conclusions here, but it’s interesting how we was the only one who didn’t show up >.>
Why kiske don’t take win-win solution for metal fans,back to helloween metal and recording his own pop solo album? Why…btw i like deris for his metal way with helloween.
I both love and hate this story. It doesn’t take a genius to sense and enjoy the irony/sarcasm, but I also find it offending. Don’t ask why, I don’t know myself.
About Kiske’s departure from Helloween, he said some things about metal that are true, and some things he just said in anger. He was quite clear on the point that if he ever wrote metal himself again, it would become too poppy, which is why he decided to leave the metal as a member of bands. He never said anything about guest appearances (luckily for us!).
And last, please guys, stop comparing Deris/Kiske. They are both great singers, and the most obvious diffference is that Michael Kiske was born with a great voice, while Andi has trained his. That is also the reason why I claim that Andi is a better singer technically, but not passionately, or whatever the “real name” for the opposite of technical is =P
I will always prefer Michael, btw!
You made Kiske look like a monster… Weikath is the moster. That pop that Kiske made and is making is still better than new Helloween. New Helloween has more metal in their songs than Kiske’s songs, but Kiske’s songs are still better because they sound like music. New Helloween is horrible mix of metal and pop
As I said earlier, this was posted by many people before me. Dont take it too seriously, you’ll figure it out that both of them were monster after I post EMI era in a day or two.
OMG! That is too funny! I love Michael Kiske dearly, but I do think he’s a little on the insane side. Perhaps a little too ‘touched’ by his holy rolling Christian club. I’m just glad he changes his mind every once in a while. The Avantasia stuff kicks ass.
…and oh yeah, anyone who gets Kai Hansen and Adrian Smith together is genius. -hehe.. insanity and genius.. now where have I heard that before?